5 Questions to help you explore if it’s REALLY a self-control issue around food
Ever since I became a coach, one of the things that continues to break my heart the most is when someone comes to me truly believing they have no self-control around food. When someone looks me in the eyes and says things like “I have no self-discipline,” “I’m lazy,” or “I can’t control myself,” it absolutely crushes me to hear. During those moments, I can’t help but begin to mentally go through all the things that could have compounded to get that person to the point they are ready to pursue coaching and find a solution.
Most of the time, it’s not as simple as “having no self control.” While I know it may feel that way, there is almost always more to the story than our brains and bodies “running away” from us and making decisions without motive. But how do we know if it’s a discipline issue or if it’s deeper than that? We ask questions. A lot of them. I’m going to walk you through what questions to start with in just a second, because odds are, if you’re reading this post, you might feel this way. You might feel like you simply can’t control what happens when you’re around food. You may feel like your cravings get the best of you 99.99% of the time. You may often find yourself looking back on your day in shame, wondering if you will ever be able to conquer the habits that keep you anchored somewhere you desperately want to escape.
May I be so bold as to say that there may truly be a solution?
Here are the questions that most often reveal the most in my sessions with clients who feel they lack self control around food. Ask yourself these questions and- if possible- talk through them with someone you trust. Explore whether or not there could be more to the story than you think.
My hope is that you finish reading this post and asking these questions with a deeper understanding of what is ACTUALLY going on.
So here are 5 questions (with some extra questions/context to help you out) to help you explore if it’s ACTUALLY a self control issue causing you to feel out of control around food:
What were your options?
Context: think back to your most recent nutrition decisions where you feel you “lost control.” What options were present? Did you get to choose what went on your plate? Were you starving or full? Did you have control over your portion sizes? Take a few minutes and make a list of all the decisions you COULD HAVE made.
What were your reasons for choosing what you did?
Now that you have a list of all the decisions you could have made in the moment, spend some time dissecting WHY you made the decision(s) you did. Were you even conscious of the fact you were actively making those decisions? Were you going at a pace where you could even have the time for those decisions to have registered as decisions where you had a choice? Do you think slowing down could have affected the choices you made? Were there extenuating circumstances- like going a long period of time without eating, it being a food you have an emotional connection to, you being in a social setting, etc- that influenced your decision(s)?
During the situation you were in, what was in your control versus what was out of your control?
I’ve found a lot of the times there are certain factors that contribute to “out of control” feelings with food that we truly can’t control. For instance, you can’t control your emotions. What you CAN control is how you cope with your emotions. At the same time, we can’t control the fact that sometimes we have a subconscious association with certain emotions (Ex: happiness) with certain foods due to past experiences (ex: I associate coffee with feeling heard since I’ve met my 2 best friends in coffee shops regularly for years now). So when I’m feeling unappreciated, overwhelmed, or overworked, not only do I find myself reaching for that extra cup of coffee more often, but I also CRAVE some kind of pastry to go with it because of those scent/emotion connections.
So what was in your control in this situation? What couldn’t you control? Were you feeling any particular emotions? Are you aware of any kind of emotional connection to the foods you crave? Were you truly hungry? Were there decisions you could have made earlier in the day (ex: eating lunch instead of skipping) that could have changed the other food decisions you made?
Who (or what) is telling you that you lack control?
Is there someone else that is feeding the idea that the feelings you have around food are solely your fault? Is there someTHING else feeding this idea? Do you have a coach that keeps telling you to “get back on track” or a partner that tells you “it shouldn’t be this hard?” Is it coming from your own mind and past experiences?
Basically figure out who is doing the “finger pointing” here.
Think about one specific situation where you felt out of control around food. Can you think of the first time in your life you felt this way? If so, what are the similarities between then and now?
Let’s go back to drawing connections between what we’re facing now and some similar occurrences in the past. What similarities are there? See if you can trace your “self-blame timeline” to figure out the series of events that led you to where you are. If you can do that, it often sheds light on the root cause of the current situation.
Now, I know that was a LOT of introspection. You might even feel more overwhelmed now than when you first pulled up this post (that’s expected and okay). From here I recommend giving yourself a mental break, but then coming back and exploring your answers to these questions again. Maybe write them down next time or talk them through with someone if you can. Healing your relationship with food begins when we can take enough emotional steps backwards that we can look at our situation(s) objectively- even if only for a moment. If you worked your way through those questions, make sure to reward yourself somehow for facing some hard truths with yourself. Whatever you do next though, keep asking questions.
